When he realized she wasn't coming home that night, he drove around, looking for her. Checking every possible place she might have gone was emotionally exhausting and finally, with reluctance, he returned home long after midnight. Again, he cursed and blamed himself for what had happened. It could have been different, he thought, reaching for the scotch, knowing he wasn't going to sleep without her in his arms. Just worrying about her would keep him awake most of the night.
He took his cell phone into the bathroom, set the volume on high in case she called when he was in the shower. He tried clearing his head but all he could see was the hurt in her eyes after he had brutally spanked her. He saw the disbelief on her face when he pushed her into the corner to think about why it had happened - her surety that he would turn into a Dom monster. Again, he heard the grief in her breath over the phone.
The ache in his heart overwhelmed him. He knew she was hurting, lost in a sea of emotions, shocked by what she considered betrayal, her heart shattered into prisms, her soul charred and wavering on the edge of a new kind of hell. In his mind's eye, he heard her sobs, felt the grief she was feeling, overwhelmed by his unexpected actions. It choked her breath, making her body shake with sorrow and regret. He knew her body would weaken and be unable to resist as her mind commanded her attention, hurling erratically as it swung and screeched from one thought, one emotion into another, no stop signs in place... do not pass go... do not collect two hundred dollars... Broadway and Park Place have been sold. You are fucked.
He had seen her this way once before, shortly after they met, her emotions worn down to a raw gut level - nerve naked - her need for survival her only goal. He knew her well.
His body was empty with regret, hungry for the feel of her. His mind's eye continued to seek her out, his soul no longer anchored. He needed to hold her - When I find you, I'll never let you go. He needed to shelter her in his arms - My arms are empty without you, my love. He needed to heal the hurting inside - I need you, I need you, come back to me.
He needed to touch her, love her, ease the pain, let her cry, then kiss her tears away. His soul humbled for the first time in too many years, he bowed his head and asked for guidance - something he hadn't done since he was a child.
"Please," he whispered to an unfamiliar deity, his lips mouthing the words, his eyes spilling his pain. "Let her be all right. I've never asked for anything, before. I'm asking for this."