Once Upon a Time...
Part Four
by sarAdora

~~~~~~~

Margarethe took one look at Marco Polo and declared him a wimp. She'd run roughshod over him in no time and what fun was that? She needed a real challenge. Tall Paul, on the other hand, had a handsome rugged look about him and those thighs! Oh my! Thick as tree trunks! She'd be happy to climb those *any* day.

Aside with muse:
Muse: Is this where the naughty stuff shows up?
Me: Uh huh.
Muse: It's about time, missy!

Paul Bunyan was not a simple man but when he first set eyes on the lovely Margarethe and all her alluring charms... any intelligent thought he had quickly died of malnutrition. In three seconds flat, his IQ dropped to the level of a citrus beverage. He saw stars and cupids shooting arrows and heard the Mormon Tabernacle choir singing "Hallelujah."

Aside with muse:
Muse: You already used the Mormon Tabernacle choir in a previous chapter and they sang the same song.
Me: It's a return engagement.
Muse: How about the Vienna Boy's Choir?
Me: Children? In a love story?
Muse: Mea culpa!

For Paul Bunyan, it was true love at first sight. He couldn't wait to hold Margarethe on his lap and cuddle her and snuggle with her and kiss her and make her his.

~ sigh ~

(Imagine pics of hearts and flowers here. A little violin music in the background would be okay, too.)

Aside with muse:
Muse: Sheesh! Not romantic sappy drivel!
Me: It's the storyboard, no graphically explicit sex allowed.
Muse: Graphic and explicit are the same thing. Choose one or the other and it wouldn't be the first time you wrote "those" kinds of scenes on this board.
Me: Have I said "up yours" yet?

And so it came to pass...

Martha Stewart was hired to make the most beautiful wedding cake in all of the universe. However, when she entered the wedding hall... well, she simply took over, decorated, cooked, baked, sewed Margarthe's wedding gown, rearranged the cabinets and the linens, sent Paul Bunyan to her own hair stylist, and screamed bloody murder at Gala Had because... errr... because it made her feel good.

Aside with muse:
Muse: It made her feel good?
Me: Um... that was Martha Stewart *before* she went to prison. The Martha Stewart today is a reformed person.
Muse: Oh yeah, sure she is.

The wedding night was wunderbar! Paul Bunyan, built like a stevedore and endowed... richly... was very gentle with his bride and both slept late the next morning because they were worn out from their "marriage bonding" activities.

Aside with muse:
Muse: A little descriptive sex wouldn't kill you.
Me: Descriptive sex? From moi? Tsk. I'm an innocent and a saint to boot.
Muse: I'm gonna tell Cowboy!
Me: Oy!

Mr. and Mrs. Bunyan sailed to America on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Marie.

Aside with muse:
Muse: They sailed on three ships?
Me: I couldn't decide which one to put them on so I chose all three.
Muse: Are you drinking?
Me: Details, details. Okay, I'll fix it.

The set sail for the colonies on the Nina and when they were snuggled into their cabin that first night at sea and were blissfully sated from their honeymoon activities, Margarethe told her bridegroom she would soon be great with child.

"The babe will be born in America," she announced. "Automatic citizenship. A chicken in every pot, free welfare and a chance to win the lottery! Isn't that great? He'll get a social security number, be able to vote and everything. In fact, he could even grow up to become President! Is that terrific or what?"

"What if it's a girl?" her extraordinarily tall and richly endowed, but not-so-demented husband asked.

"We'll name her Susan B. Anthony and she'll get her picture stamped on a gold coin."

"It's not really gold, you know. Nowadays those coins are mostly copper and I have rude news for you. It will take more than 9 months to reach America's shores."

Aside with muse:
Muse: Welllll, I guess that burst her balloon.
Me: Uh huh. A good reason to get naughty.
Muse: Oh goody!

"More than 9 months? I won't stand for it," Margarethe shouted and jumped up from her richly endowed bridegroom's lap and stomped her foot. She stomped it so hard it went right through the cabin's floorboards. "Look what you made me do!" she yelled at the leaning tower of Pizza as he glared down at his angry wife.

Aside with muse:
Muse: I don't think it's the leaning tower of pizza.
Me: Of course it is. I'll have extra cheese please and don't be stingy with the mushrooms and pepperoni.

And so it came to pass...

Paul Bunyan picked his wife up, set her over his knees...

(At last! Cue the trumpets here.)

He flipped up her nightshift baring her pretty ivory bottom, and with his large and very heavy hand, lit a fire on her backside!

"You son of a willow sap!" Margarethe screamed.

Aside with muse:
Muse: Willow sap?
Me: I think that's a really wimpy tree.
Muse: That was meant to be an insult?
Me: Can you come up with a better one?
Muse: As a matter of fact...

The fire on Margarethe's backside was really intense... and flames leaped into the air and it quickly spread.

...As the ship burned... and sunk beneath the waves, Margarethe hung onto her strong husband's back as he swam to the Pinta...

Aside with muse:
Muse: Where was Chris all this time?
Me: Chris?
Muse: Christopher Columbus! He was the reason there was a Nina, Pinta and Santa Marie and why we celebrate Columbus Day in October.
Me: Hmm... what do we eat to celebrate Columbus Day?
Muse: Nothing special.
Me: Nothing special? Oh... he was on the Nina.
Muse: But you just said the Nina sank.
Me: Oops.
Muse: REWRITE!

... As the ship burned... and sunk beneath the waves, Margarethe hung onto her strong husband's back as he swam to the Pinta...

Following right behind... Christopher Columbus and his mentor, Amerigo Vespucci were doing an Olympic gold medal performance of the breast stroke...

~ End Part Four ~

| Go to Part Five |

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