Once Upon a Time...
Part Five
by sarAdora

~~~~~~~

When last we saw Margarethe and her tall and richly endowed husband, Paul Bunyan, they were swimming to the Pinta because the Nina had burned and sunk beneath the sea.

Aside with muse:
Muse: If the ship sunk, it had to go beneath the sea. Where else would it go?
Me: Did I ask you?
Muse: Ya know... sloppy writing really irritates me.
Me: Stop reading!

Once aboard the Pinta, Margarethe demanded warm clothes - preferably steam pressed - and a hot meal.

"I'll have lobster bisque, filet mignon - rare, baked potato with sour cream and chives - Don't be stingy with the sour cream! - and chocolate cheesecake for dessert. I'll eat the cheesecake while the steak is being grilled."

Her besotted but not-so-demented husband was still recuperating from his harrowing, hazardous swim from the burning Nina to the Pinta. Because the Nina sank due to Margarethe's tantrum, he felt it would be true justice to spank her again.

"What?" Margarethe screamed, stomping her foot again...

Not to worry - the floorboards on the Pinta were much stronger than the ones on the Nina.

Still soaking wet, Paul tossed his tempest of a bride over his richly endowed lap and just as he was about to apply the heaviest of smacks to her backside...

Christopher Columbus rushed into their cabin and begged him to stay his hand.

"Amerigo Vespucci is a very old man," Chris lamented. "He needs to rest. He can't possibly swim to the Santa Marie. I beg of you, do not light any more fires!"

Aside with muse:
Muse: Columbus *barged* into their cabin unannounced? Like a home invasion thing? Call 911! Call the American Civil Liberties Union! Call the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals! Write your congress person! The nerve! Is nothing sacred?
Me: Tsk. Apparently not.

As soon as Chris invaded their cabin, Margarethe tried to cover her bare (and still soaking wet) backside. Paul, a little slow on the goings-on was busy lining up the target with the palm of his heavy hand and only paused mid-spank when Chris started begging for a reprieve.

"He's gawking at me," Margarethe screamed.

Aside with muse:
Muse: I bet she didn't scream; I bet it was more like a shrill or a shriek.
Me: I'm ignoring you.

"I bet the captain has seen more than one naked bottom," Paul chuckled (as men are prone to do at the most absurd times. Tsk!)

"Double tsk!" Margarethe muttered, helping the writer as she (the writer) pauses to chug down the last pitcher of eggnog.

Aside with muse:
Muse: If you're going to finish this silly tale, you'd better make more eggnog.
Me: I think we're out of kahlua.
Muse: What about those bourbon balls you made for Christmas? Weren't they about 180 proof? That should do the trick.
Me: It's 10 o'clock in the morning!
Muse: And your point?

Much to Columbus' relief, the remaining months sailing across the wide blue sea passed uneventfully... sort of...

Margarethe was so incensed with her husband for spanking her in front of Christopher Columbus, the voyeuristic captain seeking a new route to the West Indies that she...

Aside with muse:
Muse: Was it the West Indies or the East Indies? Maybe you'd better google it to be sure.
Me: East... West... who knows? They can sail to Tasmania for all I care. The important thing is to move the story forward so they arrive in the New World.
Muse: The New World is nowhere near Tasmania.
Me: Let's keep that little secret to ourselves.
Muse: Did you know that people "down under" don't really walk around upside down?
Me: Oh puleeeze! What's next? Are you going to tell me world is actually round? Tsk.

Every time Paul Bunyan got too close to the ship's railing, Margarethe tried to topple him over the side. Paul was so-o-o tall...

Aside with muse:
Muse: How tall was he?
Me: What? You think this is "Saturday Night Live?"

Paul was so tall that he occasionally lost his balance and toppled right over the railing and got dunked into the briny sea.

Aside with muse:
Muse: You used "toppled" twice - one sentence after the other. And "got dunked?" "Got?" "Got" is a word 3rd grade boys use. Have I taught you nothing!
Me: Mumble... groan... whine... complain. It's your fault. Ingesting large quantities of bourbon balls can make all sorts of language gaffes happen. "Got dunked" is one of them.
Muse: I didn't tell you to eat the whole batch! Are you inebriated?
Me: Inebriated? Um... no. I'm not inebriated; I'm drunk.

Paul was incensed that he was spending more of his time *in* the sea than sailing on it... and then there were his sopping wet and sea-smelling clothes hanging all over their cabin drying... It was bad enough his manly trousers had to hang next to Margarethe's panty hose... Adding fuel to the fire, Margarethe complained that he had dripped salt water and seaweed *everywhere*... and furthermore, she was sick and tired of fish for dinner!

His patience faded along with his cheerful disposition and he sent a fervent prayer heavenward for a reprieve.

Aside with muse:
Muse: He sent a prayer heavenward? Where else would he send it?
Me: I'm ignoring you.

From out of the blue... a vision appeared!

Aside with muse:
Muse: Egads! Was he smoking stuff?
Me: Hashish. It was very common among seamen on long journeys.
Muse: I didn't know that. What's your reference? Where did you read that?
Me: I made it up.

And the vision looked suspiciously like Merlin, the magician!

"Holy Macaroni! It's the weird guy himself," Margarethe gasped.

"Spank her! Spank her! Spank her! Spank her!" Merlin chanted as his image vanished into the mist.

Aside with muse:
Muse: There was mist in the cabin?
Me: All those clothes drying...
Muse: They were steamed up?
Me: Err... have you tried these bourbon balls yet?

"Spank her?" Paul scratched his head. "Now why didn't I think of that?"

"NO!" Margarethe shouted. "My bottom can't take any more abuse!"

"A spanking or Brussels Sprouts at every meal until we land in the New World?"

"Fourth Amendment!" Margarethe yelled. "You can't do that. It's against the fourth amendment."

"You mean cruel and unusual punishment?" Paul chortled. "That's not the fourth amendment. The fourth amendment is the bit about search and seizure."

"You don't know that for sure," Margarethe scoffed. "Bet you failed your civics exam."

"I *am* sure about this," he grinned a grin so evil and so wicked and so-o-o sexy as he reached for her...

Aside with muse:
Muse: He's gonna make love to her?
Me: Yeah - after he toasts her butt.
Muse: Is this where the story ends? (Please God.)
Me: Well... don't you want to know what happens when they get to Tasmania?
Muse: I thought they were going to Manhattan.
Me: Tasmania... Manhattan... both crazy hippy dippy yuppie places.
Muse: They have Tasmanian devils in Tasmania.
Me: Obviously, you've never been to Manhattan.

~ End Part Five ~

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