Lectures ~ Sigh ~
For some reason, Cowboy often feels a burning need to pontificate on certain subjects. Occasionally he gets carried away and lectures with such fervor I feel a need to touch his brow and make sure he's not running a fever. As soon as I conclude he's okay, I go back to ignoring his rant and continue doing whatever it was I was doing... eating, playing with the pups, practice forging his signature on good girl spanking cards... tossing paddles into the fireplace, - I even do this in the summer... see what a self-sacrificing spouse I am! - deciding which of his belts to donate to the clothing drive... maybe I'll give them all away... checking the chocolate supplies, etc. This never fails to annoy him and he often extends his oration to include other subjects.
I can recite every one of his lectures... word for word... Sweet supportive and loving spouse that I am... I'm always eager to make his life easier... so I compiled a list of his lectures and numbered them for him. A copy is on the refrigerator; another is folded and put in his wallet... Oh look! He has a *new* credit card! Just gonna pause a moment while I memorize that number... I'm not sure he appreciates my efforts. Surely he could conserve a great deal of energy if he just yelled out the numbers...
Almost every lecture begins with these infamous words:
How many times do I have to tell you...?
# 1 - Cell phone: I want that cell phone on at all times! Is that clear? Certainly! I wonder who's gonna answer it... if I forget to take it with me?
# 2 - You can not eat chocolate every day. You can not eat chocolate all day long. Of course, I can. Pay closer attention. Tsk.
# 3 - If you're going to drink a whole pot of coffee, make half of it decaf! I don't want you so high you're swinging from the chandeliers. Sheesh! How many times do I have to remind him we don't own a chandelier?
# 4 - I do not want the dogs in the bedroom. I do!
# 5 - The cat does not belong on the bed, and especially not on my pillow! Hey... I'm not completely stupid... You want your underwear dragged through the litter box...? You tell DomTom to get off the bed.
# 6 - You have a perfectly good razor. Why do you have to use mine? I like yours...
# 7 - You have to eat more vegetables, Sar! Why? Are we joining Green Peace? Or the American Farm board? If we are, can I veto Brussels sprouts?
# 8 - Dogs do not drink beer. Don't give them any! Of course, they drink beer and if I didn't give them any, how would they get that cap off? With their teeth? Honestly....
# 9 - You are not jogging in the rain! I'm not jogging. I'm... riding a neighbor's bike... until I'm out of sight and thennnnn I'm jogging.
#10 - Do not defy me! Is that the same as objecting to your orders... or ignoring them?
#11 - Keep cursing, imp... and see what happens next. I get a prize?
#12 - A diet of junk food is not healthy! I don't want you eating that crap twice a day! Whew! Okay, just once a day from now on.
#13 - You have to eat every day, Sar, and that means real food. Swear to the goddddds. Didn't he just say he didn't want me eating junk food? Junk food is real food.
#14 - Eating dessert first is not what I want to see. Don't look.
#15 - I don't want to find you on the computer every night. I'm never on the computer. I have a perfectly good chair to sit on...
#16 - You work too hard. You don't have to take all the commissions that come your way. I want you to cut back, do other things that make you happy. Chocolate... computer... jogging...burgers... onion rings... chocolate... chocolate...
#17 - You stay up too late! I want you in bed by midnight from now on. Good thing I have a laptop to take to bed... until you arrive.
#18 - You can not wander off to the edge of the earth every time you feel like it. Sure, I can. Watch me.
#19 - Doctors are dedicated and nice people, Sar. No, they're not. People who stick needles in your arms are not nice. I don't want you hurting any of them. Tough! They touch me without permission; I hurt them.
#20 - If you poison another marine....! One isn't really worth my effort. I need a challenge. How about a platoon... a unit... a small bunch? That would be worth doing... I have a freezer filled with special brownies...
And... the all-time favorite and most frequently repeated:
#21 - What did I just say?!? Sheesh! If *he* can't remember what he just said, why does he expect me to? Honestly... the man needs a course in couth.