The highlights of the last couple of days:
(Soap opera music)
Voice Over: When last we caught up with Sar and her pups, she had boarded a ferry to no-no land - locked her marine bodyguard into a bathroom, bribed a ferry captain so she could use the off-shore telephone line, fed the hapless marine two special brownies, causing him to be indisposed and then frolicked on the beach with her pups.
Got up early to watch the sun rise over calm waters. Big orcas doing rollies in the Sound. Would dearly love to roll with them but not willing to push my luck. They might mistake me for a seal pup... Pups and I ran as far as we could and back again, over and over. Had to get back to the B & B - had a marine to ignore... or torment.
"Top of the mornin', jarhead."
"Not real hungry."
"Tsk. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I have a feeling you might need your strength..."
"Ma'am? Are you mad at me?"
"Should I be?"
(The man groans... )
Played most of the day on the beach. Got great photos. Sketched like a mad scientist with a deadline. Ate lots of chocolate. Hey! It was chilly - needed to conserve energy. The Rott ate the meatloaf and mashed potatoes they served for dinner at the B & B. Bully boy ate his and mine. Both dogs had a little too much beer.
Was happy as a lark until I saw the marine on a phone he must have procured from that flirty waitress. It's the marines you don't see who send in the damage reports. Sneak away to the ferry to Vancouver Island and wonder if I'll get a surprise when we dock.
Sitting on the open deck. Dogs give a low warning growl and I'm surrounded. Déjà vu? This has happened before.
"Afternoon, ma'am." A marine I don't know puts a hand on my arm. Methinks this is marine SOP.
"Don't touch me without my permission," I warn. The dogs are ready to attack.
"Ma'am...." Obviously, his verbal skills are lacking.
"Take your hand off of me... now!
"I have my orders, ma'am. You're not to be left alone."
"And I have my orders, Major. I'm not allowed to let strange men touch me and you are very strange."
"Ma'am, I don't want to hurt you."
I, of course, have no qualms about hurting him.
"Oh, let's not fight." I signal the dogs to "watch" and "protect." "Come on over here and sit next to me. Would you gentleman like a brownie?"
By the time we arrived dockside at Vancouver Island, all three marines were indisposed.
Tsk. They should know better than to take food from the enemy. LOL!
Turned my cell phone on and listened to all the messages.
-"Hi babe. I'm in Ottawa. Miss talking to you. I'll call you later tonight. Don't play on the computer too long. Love you."
Well, his voice was nice and cheerful.
-"Sar? Where are you, baby? Out with the dogs, I hope. Call me as soon as you get back in."
His voice remains calm. Somehow, I don't think that's going to last too long.
-Mornin' darlin'. I hope you're in the shower and can't hear the phone. Call me ASAP!"
Sheesh! Getting just a little testy.
-Can't seem to reach the marine I assigned to guard you. You didn't scare him off, did you? Just joking, baby. He's a lot bigger than you. Don't be scared - he won't hurt you. Miss you, little one."
Well, that was a nice surprise.
-Sar, where the hell are you? Call me now!
Tsk. Sounded just like a ticked off male to me.
-Baby, you better have a damn good reason why you haven't called me 'cause when I get home..."
Uh-oh. Voice is getting softer - not good.
-"I give up. Is the marine alive? Damn it, Sar. I hope you didn't hurt him. I know he didn't hurt you. Shit! Did you hurt him bad? Sar, so help me..."
Oooooo, I know exasperation when I hear it. Wonder why he thinks I'm capable of hurting a guy twice my size? Ya' think he knows something I don't? Maybe, I don't need that class in strength training after all.... just new brownie recipies.
-This is a warning, imp. I called David. He's sending a recon team to look for you. Remember the zoo disaster? Think mean marines this time."
Hmmmm, I'm getting that butterfly feeling in my tummy. He doesn't usually warn me... this could turn out badly.
-If you don't call me back, I'm sending a SeAL team!"
Uh-oh. He doesn't usually send his precious SeALs... especially since he doesn't like to chance losing one.
-"Okay, that's it. Sit while you can, baby, 'cause it's not something you're gonna be able to do again till Christmas!
LOL. Definitely bluffing. Cowboy never raises his voice before attacking... or spanking... trying to remember if he ever did. Nope. I'm safe.
My cell phone rings.
"Hello," I said in my softest most hesitant voice, butterflies fluttering all over the damn place.
"Hey, SweetCheeks! I hear you're in trouble again."
"David! How's my favorite marine general?"
... miserable rotten so and so ...
"Laughing my ass off 'cause when Cowboy gets a hold of you, your butt's gonna burn."
"And that makes you happy, you pervert?" Did I ever mention the man's a piss-ant?
"My only regret is that he won't let me take you over my knee."
Thank God for small favors!
"I love you, too, jarhead."
Mental note: As soon as I get home, send the jarhead a box of enema syringes.
"How's my marine?"
"Where'd you bury him, babe?"
"Dropped him overboard to sleep with the fishies."
"And the three other marines I sent at Cowboy's request?"
"They haven't found me yet."
"Yes, they did. They called in an hour ago. Where are they, brat?"
"Christ on a crutch! Did you hurt them?" he shouts so loud the other ferry passengers are staring and the dogs growl.
Am I the only one who thinks there is some incongruity here? Four marines = @ 1000 lbs. vs. 112 lb. Sar? Well I do have the two lil' puppies. "Call them back, David or I'll make sure they never sire children. The Rott likes his gonads served au naturél. Bully boy likes them covered in combat gear. Either way, the dogs will make eunuchs out of them."
"I swear... if I ever get you over my knee..." he growls, "you're gonna be buck-ass naked, Sar... in my bullpen... and you'll never sit again!"
Just for that, I'm going to send the two-star general some sexy lingerie - in his size.
"My C.O. says if you behave, he'll spring for dinner anywhere you want to eat," the major tells me. "If not, we're to toss you in the air - one to another until you do."
"Do that, idiot," I answer calmly. "I'll order the dogs to rip your balls off and then I'll hurl all over you and tell Cowboy you touched me inappropriately - and that you hurt me and made me violently ill. You sure you want to answer to him? Then, I'll make sure you're transferred to a supply ship in Outer Mongolia."
Well, I don't know about you, but I thought that was rather creative on my part. Sob. My coping skills are just a little stressed... digging into my backpack for a Heath bar.
"Back off, marine! Stand down!"
Hot damn! Power is a wonderful thing! Hope it lasts a while.
Got to Vancouver Island unharmed. My bodyguard eventually caught up with me. He's watching me but is keeping his distance. I'm cool. This is okay until I see him talking on a cell phone.
I'm about 10-12 feet away from him and all of a sudden, I hear Cowboy's voice loud and clear. The dogs perk up. A shot of adrenaline zips through me faster than a streak of lightning. I can hear Cowboy's voice of command - shouting... growling... I swear he was roaring.
"Put the goddamn phone to her ear!"
"Aye, aye, sir!"
Hey! Wonder Woman? I'm on Vancouver Island just in case you missed me. Would you and Joan of Arc show up now, please? WW, you stand over here by my side and get your magic lasso out. Joannie, baby? I could use your sword just about here. This is just a practice run, ladies. I'll need the real thing when Cowboy and I end up in the same room.
"If you're going to yell at me, I'll hang up," I say bravely since there's a few provinces separating us.
I hear him take several long and deep breaths. Even Martha Stewart would say that's a good thing.
"I'm not going to yell at you," he says calmly, surprising the hell out of me. "You okay, baby?"
"Uh-huh." Of course, I'm okay. His hands are a lonnnggg way from my rear end.
"You sure?" he asks in his concerned voice.
"I specifically said you were not to go to Orcas Island," he says calmly but firmly.
"You specifically said I couldn't go unless you or someone you trusted went with me," I clarify, trying not to sound like I'm whining and then could have kicked myself because I automatically stomped my foot. Damn!
The marine laughs.
"True, but I gave your bodyguard specific orders that he was not to allow you to board a ferry."
"Not my fault the marine can't follow orders," I arch a brow in the marine's direction and he is no longer smiling. Ha!
"Is he okay?"
"Wilson, damn it! Is Wilson okay?"
"The marine! The lieutenant's name is Wilson. What the hell have you been calling him?" He takes a deep breath. "Wait. I don't want to know."
"I call him jarhead." Between you and me, I call him lucky. I could have given him the banana brownies. They really do a number on the intestines.
"Sar.... have you no respect?"
I know better than to answer a rhetorical question. Whenever I do, the hole I'm standing in just gets a little deeper.
Time to change tactics.
"You miss me?" I ask as if he wasn't just expressing his displeasure in his "you're gonna get spanked" voice.
"You know I do," he says softly, the mood quickly shifting.
"Love me?" I ask.
"Yes," he breathes in my ear.
"Love me enough to...?"
"Love you so much I'm going to show you as soon as I get home."
"Mmmm..." This could mean several things.
"Tell me exactly where you are, baby," he says so softly, I almost missed the implicit command in his voice.
"Where in Canada?"
"BC. Thinkin' of shopping or going horseback riding since I've already crossed the border."
"Shopping? In Edmonton...? Alberta? Horseback riding? Saskatoon? Don't think so, imp. Go home and wait for me."
"You think you're gonna spank me for this?"
"I know I'm gonna spank you for this."
"Then I may as well go shopping and riding. That way, you have a legitimate reason for..."
Bummer! He used my full name...
"I'm going to run away from home," I say as calmly as I can, feeling slightly nauseous.
"Gonna join the circus, baby?" he laughs.
"No. I'm going to prostitute myself on Michigan Avenue in Chi-town or maybe 42nd and Broadway in New York City. Of course, I'm going to join the circus!"
Stewing here. I'm pouting from the top of my head down to...
"Sar... talk to me."
Still stewing. Wonder if I can make a decent living on Michigan Avenue? Maybe, I should consider Hollywood & Vine. Nicer weather in California.
"Please," he says softly.
"You're making me unhappy, Cowboy."
He sighs. "Having fun, little one?"
"I was," I whine, the big bully.
"Get good pics of the orcas?"
"Make lots of sketches?"
"Yes." I'm reduced to monosyllabic vocalizations.
"Can't wait to see them, baby," he says softly. "Can't wait to see you, either."
Did my thighs just liquefy?
"Does this mean we're good?"
"I don't think it's as terrible as you think it is."
"That's because you're not on the receiving end."
"I was worried when I couldn't reach you," he reminds me.
"I'm sorry about that, but I had to see the orcas before they all beach themselves somewhere and they..."
"I know," he says softly. "Go home, Sar."
Well that was Wednesday. Cowboy said to go home. He didn't specifically say when I should do that... stayed on Vancouver Island till Thursday and made my way back to Orcas Island this morning. On the ferry headed for home. Will have tonight and most of tomorrow - Saturday - to worry about Cowboy's return.
Misdemeanors so far:
~ Neglected to turn cell phone on... I was just conserving the battery. Gotta remember that.
~ Threatened a United States marine... or two... or three, maybe four.
~ Ate a little junk food (not one GD vegetable for five days! A record!)
~ What else? Nuthin' I can think of. Maybe it won't be so terrible after all.
It's been a superb five days - played with the orcas, got to see them frolic in home territory, took a lot of pics, made a bunch of sketches to transfer into fiber art, ate good. The dogs and I were wonderfully exhausted from running on the beach. Got to play on the computer at all hours of the day and night. Will have to come back with Cowboy so he can see why I had to be here.
If the consequences aren't bearable, I've already informed friends in New Zealand I'm heading that way. I don't think we have military bases down there.
If I'm capable of sitting after Cowboy gets home, I'll post the "discussion" he and I are sure to have about my latest adventure. Could use a little divine intervention about now. Prayers, candles, whatever it takes, please.