"I've got a proposition for you, Louie," he said in his nutso cop voice. "Come home with me now... marry me... or I'll bare your pretty little bottom and spank you raw right here in front of God and company."
"You son of a bitch!"
"I knew you'd agree," he laughed and to loud applause, gently hauled her over his shoulder and walked out of the grange.
She wanted to hate him, wanted to smack him upside the head, wanted to do bodily harm. Who the hell am I kidding? she shook her head in defeat when they finally arrived back at his apartment. I want to jump his bones!
"Tomorrow, doll face," he intoned as he held her tightly to his chest. "Tomorrow we get married."
"Tomorrow? So soon?" she muttered. "I need a little time; let's wait a while."
"Waited long enough," Joe said sternly. "Not waiting any longer and this babe of ours," he added, cupping her belly. "This babe is not gonna be born a bastard."
"Then go stay at your partner's place. A groom shouldn't see his bride the day before the wedding."
"Right! And you'll come up with another reason to put this off. We're getting married, period. What happens after that is anybody's guess but I'm gonna do everything in my power to make you happy, Louie."
"You are?" she asked, her insecurities showing.
"I am," he swore and did something else bridegrooms aren't supposed to do before the wedding ceremony. He took her to his bed... made sweet tender love to her and told his unborn child how much he loved whoever it was growing inside her.
"We're gonna start our marriage off on the right foot, Louie," he told her the next morning. "And to do that, we have to wipe the old slate clean."
"What does that mean?" she asked, still wondering how she was going to go through a wedding ceremony when she was unsure about what the future held for them.
"I mean this," he said softly and pulling her panties off, he flipped her over his thighs and rested a large warm hand on her ivory rear end.
"You son of a bitch!" she yelled when she realized his intent.
"The mother of my children does *not* curse!" he said firmly as his hand came down on one cheek and then on the other. "Not ever!" he growled and smacked her harder.
"I'm going to kill you!" she screamed.
"My wife is a lady and ladies don't curse," he said and rained a storm of heat onto her bottom, her body wiggling and squirming, her protests loud and long and quite off-color.
He laughed. He couldn't help it. He just laughed at her threats and curses.
And then he remembered all the worrying he had done the whole time she had been gone and he picked up the pace, spanking her with more enthusiasm. And when his hand grew numb, he told her how red her bottom was and how much he loved her and how good they were going to be together.
"You're a nutso cop," she hiccuped as she tried to catch her breath.
"And you're the prettiest little doll in the world," he told her, kissing her hard. "Now, get dressed. The world's waiting for you to take my name."
Do you take this woman... to have and to hold from this day forward...
"Yes, always," Tag replied, his deep voice carrying to the far corners of the church, his words a solemn vow.
She would fight him every inch of the way but she was his, now and forever, till the end of their days. Thank you, God. Amen.
Do you take this man... to have and to hold from this day forward...
"Hell no! Not now, not ever!" she hissed, her bottom still on fire and kicked the man by her side for good measure and then turned to the minister to kick him as well.
"She means yes," her bridegroom said as he grabbed the hellcat by his side, hauling her off her feet before she kicked him again.
"I've got you, Louie," he whispered into her ear. "I've got you and our babe and I'm never going to let you go."
"Don't close your eyes, Joe Taggert! 'Cause if you ever do, I'll kill you."
Do you take this woman... for better or for worse...
"Yes," he said loud and clear, knowing it was going to be a lot worse before it ever got better. "For whatever comes our way, I want her and I take her for my own."
Do you take this man... for better or for worse...
"Are you out of your ever lovin' mind? I'm here under duress. The man spanked... No!" Louise Rogers screamed at the minister who was instantly cowed by her vehemence. "If he was the last man on earth, I'd still kill the son of a bitch!" and she emphasized her vow by punching Tag with all her might.
"She means yes," Tag shouted loud enough so that the minister could hear him above her angry voice and wrapped his arms around the hellion in an attempt to hold her still.
Do you take this woman... for richer or for poorer...
"Yes," he promised. "I'd take her stark naked if necessary and trust me, she's really beautiful when she's naked," and then grinned at the gasp that escaped between Louie's lips and the stunned look on the minister's face.
Do you take this man... for richer or for poorer...
"NO!" she shrieked.
"She means yes," her bridegroom corrected as he tightened his hold on the squirming angry woman in his arms.
Do you take this woman... in sickness and in health... "Yes," he vowed. "I'll take her in any condition, sick, healthy, spitting mad, great with child, and oh so sweet," he murmured for her ears only. "So sweet when I get you in my bed again, my love." And then he chuckled at her outraged expression and the threats she threw at him because of his words.
Do you take this man... in sickness and in health...
"Over my dead body," she yelled at the minister. "And your balls are in jeopardy you slimy son of a bitch," she hissed at the man holding her against her will. "If you ever so much as touch me again, I'll..."
"You'll... what, my love? Spread your legs for me after I warm your bottom?" he grinned at her, his hand briefly squeezing her bottom cheeks and then moving up her body to cup her belly and then her breast. "She means yes," he added for the benefit of the shocked minister and the shocked witnesses and in case God was actually listening.
Do you take this woman... in sadness and in joy...
"Jesus! Yes! I take her and I promise her joy," he said softly as he pulled her head back against his chest. "I love you, Louie."
Do you take this man... in sadness and in joy...
"No," she whimpered, unable to move and worn out from the emotional seesaw she had been on for too many weeks.
She means yes," her bridegroom responded and bent her head further back so he could kiss her brow.
Do you take this woman... to love and to cherish... "Dear Lord, yes," he said loud and clear and whispered again that he loved her with all his heart.
Do you take this man... to love and to cherish and to obey...
"No!" she managed to shout loud enough to cause silence to reign throughout the church. "Maybe," she added, biting her lip and suddenly unsure but aware that the man who held her actually loved her.
"She means yes," Tag murmured as he heard the hesitation in her answer and smiled at the minister, his look encouraging the man to hurry and finish the ceremony.
Do you take this woman... till death you part...
"Yes," he swore. "Till death."
Do you take this man... till death you part...
"As long as he dies soon," she said quietly and for the moment, resigned to her fate. "But not too soon," she whispered as she looked up into his face. "I'm going to make your life a living hell."
"She said yes," her bridegroom smiled happily and whispered that he couldn't wait to turn her butt into a searing inferno and then love her over and over until she told him she loved him, too.
What God has joined together – let no man put asunder.